• If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  • Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  • In today’s world is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  • If you look like your passport picture, you probably need that vacation.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • Eat well, stay fit, you will die anyway.
  • Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  • Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  • Opportunities always look bigger while going than coming.
  • Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  • Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  • By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  • Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
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