Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit ” the target “.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

“If I could say a few words, I’d be a better public speaker.” —Homer Simpson

“If I am reading this graph correctly—I’d be very surprised.” —Stephen Colbert

“You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else.” —Winston Churchill

“If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.” — Dorothy Parker

“I haven’t slept for two weeks, because that would be too long.” —Mitch Hedberg

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” —Groucho Marx

“A modest man, who has much to be modest about.” —Winston Churchill

“She looks as though she’s been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say when.” —P. G. Wodehouse

“I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks.” —Emo Phillips

“He was at his best when the going was good.” —Alistair Cooke on the Duke of Windsor

“There but for the grace of God—goes God.” —Winston Churchill

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