“That which in the beginning may be just like poison but at the end is just like nectar and which awakens one to self-realization is said to be happiness in the mode of goodness.
“PURPORT
“In the pursuit of self-realization, one has to follow many rules and regulations to control the mind and the senses and to concentrate the mind on the self. All these procedures are very difficult, bitter like poison, but if one is successful in following the regulations and comes to the transcendental position, he begins to drink real nectar, and he enjoys life.”
Bg 18.37
I’ve had kind of an off week. Usually I can rally for an hour or two and go hang out at the temple, even that has been too much of a struggle lately. I went there for Janmastami and by 9 PM I was out of there. Simply sitting up was too much.
My hemoglobin has dropped low again so they restarted me on the blood doping with Procrit. That takes a while to be effective, so maybe that will help.
I am starting to have problems with appetite in the early part of the day. Insomnia is creeping in. I manage to get enough sleep, but the times of sleeping are all out of whack. Up most of the night then sleeping during the day, that sort of thing. I prefer it the other way around.
Someone sent me some editing work on a motto, which usually my mind would be all over, but I have been unable to goad it into action. That is a real sign of malaise.
All this stuff is a symptom of the interferon treatment, which I just administered my 23rd weekly shot, 25 to go.
I have to keep reminding myself of the big picture, the best possible outcome, because if I just judge things based on the Here and Now, it ain’t worth it. Why linger in a meat sack just to be miserable? Can’t be productive on a net basis for society, can’t contribute any impactful service, why waste society’s resources lying on the couch?
Not that I am having suicidal ideation. It is more about is it worth it continuing the treatment. I have the minute independence of stopping at any time. If I stopped, I’d have a short period of time where I would be near normal. Of course, that would be temporizing, as eventually the Hep C would reassert itself and damage the liver so I would end up back on the couch again anyway, with much the same symptoms.
The long view is that if I can eradicate the virus, then I would have a longer productive life, and hopfully live long enough to mellow out past my currently youthful desires. Now I feel like a 30 year old trapped in a 80 year old body.
So in my case, I am literally taking poison so I can extend my life and hopefully have a shot at gaining some approximation of good health so I can have a chance at attaining some realization.
September 7, 2007 at 9:47 am
“They also serve who only stand and wait.”
—Milton, from “On His Blindness”
(In your case, lying & waiting . . .)
Mudakari dasi
September 7, 2007 at 10:17 am
I think that only applies if you are waiting opportunity to serve, not a reference to capacity to serve.
September 7, 2007 at 4:30 pm
…OK… as I began to ask in my personal e-mail to you… Would you please be so kind to explain why you must have “good health” (to have) “a chance at attaining some realization”… Although my thinking now is changing rapidly, I still understand that whatever is in front of you is your opportunity to “have realization”…. ie. Your karma is your dharma.
September 7, 2007 at 5:23 pm
It isn’t that it is a necessity to have have good health to have realization.
I was meaning to say that without the possibility of attaining some realization as a motive, why take extreme measures to extend life?
I am harvesting some realizations from being ill, like how I had so bound up my sense of self with what I was doing, and most of that was physical in nature, so when that vanishes who am I really?
When you are as realization challenged as I am, every extra minute might be needed.